Well we’re coming up on six month since Athena was brought to this earth. That’s half a year…still blowing my mind. I mean, I swear I was just pregnant; I can still remember that feeling pretty strongly. What a whirlwind it’s been. Personally for me, adjusting has not been the easiest thing, nor the most beautiful thing. To me, Athena is the most perfect thing that has ever graced my life…but did you guys previously know that I never even wanted kids? There. I said it, so go ahead and judge me. Of course now that she’s here, I would never change anything at all about the events leading up to her arrival.
I was not excited to be pregnant. I was terrified of being a mom (sometimes it still freaks me out). But I was in it for the long haul, determined to do everything to the best of my abilities. There are great days…and there are downright horrific days. Those days where I would like to simply sit in my big walk in closet, and lightly bang my hang against a wall for hours. Mostly just so I can be alone. But with those shitty days, come the amazing ones, where I feel so damn lucky that Athena chose me to be her mom.
In all honesty, it’s recently been a pretty rough couple of months which is why I haven't posted as much I would've liked to. Sure, constant sleep deprivation doesn’t help, because shockingly my child isn’t one of those that started sleeping through the night at three months. But I’ve had days where I feel like a bad mom; have a given her enough attention? How can I help her with teething pain? What does she need? Why won’t she stop crying? Question after question running through my head, shaking my confidence (which hasn’t even fully been built). I feel like I’m completely winging it…but isn’t that what everyone’s doing at a certain point? Because every child is different. What works for one, might not work for another. Which brings me back to my point of babies sleeping through the night. Athena is just not developmentally ready to do so. Breathe, I keep saying, my nights of full sleep are coming soon.
And it’s not just me questioning myself as a mother but as a life partner too. Am I giving him enough attention? Does he still think I’m attractive? Am I all used up now? And it seems that no matter how many times a day he tells me I’m perfect in his eyes, it’s never enough for me. Why?? Why is it so much harder to practice the self-love that I preached, now that I’m a new mom. I guess it probably has something to do with the fact that I don’t put make-up on as frequently, or wear the cutest outfits anymore. Not that I was really girly before I had Athena, but just based on the sole fact that I had the time and patience to do those things. Is it still just because I’m not comfortable enough in my skin as a new mom? To be honest, I feel as though I’ve lost my identity in being a mom. To me, I’m just a mom. Liana left, she doesn’t have time to be around here anymore. And that frankly makes me sad. Liana the passionate artist barely has time to lift her paintbrush anymore. Liana the bookworm has a stack of dusty un-read books that she’s been meaning to read. Liana the horseback rider…well I sold my horse of ten years while I was pregnant with Athena. So what’s left in the aftermath of one of the most life-changing experiences one can possible have?
Well that’s why I’m writing this guys. This post isn’t going to have an “Ah-ha!” moment. No ending where I’ve suddenly figured out who I am and what I’m doing as mom and a partner. That’s not what this is. This is the reality of it. The real struggle that real new mom’s face. Not the Instagram-sepia-toned-picture-perfect moms. I’m not about that. This is for the mom’s who are on the path to a new version of self-discovery and happiness, but haven’t quite reached it. I’m here to tell you that I’m walking that road with you. Through all that scary shit, the self-doubt and the lack of self-love. All of the anxiety and disappointment, followed by the beautiful and glowing moments of being a new mom. Even as I’m typing this, I’m trying to hold back the tears- it’s taken a lot out of me to sit down and be honest like this. This isn’t a pity party. This is for all the moms who never planned to be a mom; who never felt the pang of maternity, and then were suddenly thrown into it.
DON’T MISINTERPRET THIS. Like I said before, there is nothing more that I love in the world than Athena. She’s perfect in my eyes, and don’t you dare tell me anything otherwise. That’s my cub and I will love her fiercely and protect her until the end. But I guess if you’re a self-fulfilled mom, then this won’t make sense to you. If all you’ve ever felt in your life is to be a mom, then you’re probably judging this post.
I’m still figuring shit out. All I know is that I love my family. They’re beautiful, and a huge part of who I am as a person, that’s all I know right now. Everyday, I need to wake up and choose to do something for myself that day, choose to be happy as much as I can, and choose a path of new self-discovery. Finding out who the new Liana is; the mom version of Liana. I like to think that’s she’s going to be pretty cool, probably an artist who likes to read and occasionally rides horses. I think she sounds like she’s going to be okay.